You Cannot Say The Girl Is Nothing Less Then A Phoenix

This has to be one of the most honest things I have written so far. The people who know me personally know who this is about, im not denying it. I didn’t expect that things would be so different a year later…

I was out on Saturday night when it hit me like a truck: If we were still together, we would be making 4 years on Thursday. There was a part of me that was happy that I forgot, meaning that I had been so absorbed in my new self that he was becoming less and less a part of my thoughts. Another part that thought I was stupid for forgetting it. I wish I had remembered it the day after…instead of having the days leading up to it to dwell. I could feel the tears stinging my eyes and I tried to think of anything else. My sadness mixed with anger, I was livid that I was wasting tears on him. I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried over him, over us.

It wouldn’t bother me so much but the fact that I had found out he was engaged after a short courtship reopened the wound and cut it deeper. He was back in my head again and it bothered me. It not even that I wanted him back. It just feels like the three years that we did have, ended up meaning nothing in the end. The word ‘engagement’ seemed burned into the back of my mind. I wanted to be his wife, but not right that second. We wanted to take it slow and get married a few years from now, when we were established more in life and career. So to hear that he was engaged after roughly 6 months into his new relationship was more than a hard pill to swallow…it was more like twisting a knife.

The break-up was the best worst thing that ever happened to me. It depends on the day.
It was my catalyst. It forced me to evolve.  I went through phases; first I was crushed, then jaded, and then determined. I wasn’t going to drown in my sorrows. I became proactive. I was incredibly happy being with him, but I had missed out on so much.

If he were to come around tomorrow, I couldn’t be with him. I have no fight left in me anymore, and God knows I fought for that boy. We went through a lot together, it strengthened us and weakened us all at the same time. I lost so much of myself in that relationship that when it was finally over I almost felt like I had to rebuild myself from the ground up. I’m not here to bash what we had. We were in love. However, it seemed that when things got difficult, he would run.  I was promised forever one day and he was gone the next. When did his ‘I love you’ lose their meaning? I would ask myself that a lot when the break up was fresh. Relationships aren’t perfect all the time, but you keep the bigger picture in mind.

He left me with the promise of friendship and that he would be there for me if I ever needed him. Stupidly I believed him. I thought it could actually work. Until I needed him, not as an ex but as a friend and he was nowhere to be found. That’s when I stopped making excuses for him. I haven’t thought of him the same way since, in that moment he truly disappointed me. Thank you.

I wish at times I could forget everything. I stumble on memories sometimes and although they may make me smile, they leave me feeling empty afterwards. Alas, I can’t wipe him or that relationship from my memory. Nor do I downplay the significance of that relationship in my life. I look back at myself in that time and think, I loved so wholeheartedly, but it wasn’t my time. When my time comes and I find the one, things wont be perfect, but they will be right.

I was filled with a passion that I hope I can revisit the next time I fall in love. I gave more than my all and it didn’t work out. He broke my heart but I refused to let it destroy me. I used it to make me better. I would thank him for that, but I did it all by myself. Without this experience I wouldn’t be Parker.

xoxo Parker Chase