Reflections From Last Night #4

Leah and I went out to celebrate our bartending certification with wings, shots, and air of sexual tension. We decided to visit our favorite cheap spot on West 4th with some of our friends from bartending school.  Here’s what we figured out afterwards…

xoxo Parker Chase

Tuesday Night 6/2/09
Location: Down The Hatch

Parker:

1. To the guys…you can’t bring a wing woman out with you if she actually has feelings for you.
2. Yes, a shot of Jäger makes you happy, but any more shots of it afterwards just makes you incredibly horny.
3. Only in my world is “I’m a chef” a suitable pick up line.
4. Telling an annoying stranger who is trying to chat you up that your teacher (who is standing next to you) is your lover, seems to be a trusty cockblock AND a turn on to said annoying stranger.
5. If you do not turn off your phone before you go to bed, you will get a drunken call @ 5am from the gentleman you gave your number to.

BONUS: Is it a good night if all you want to do is go home and masturbate?

Leah:

1. If you feel the need to call someone out on his or her relationship bullshit, then do it!!
2. If your ex, girlfriend, friend, mom, sister, cousin, aunt, or baby’s mama thinks I am trustworthy…they are foolish.
3. I love having guy friends; they make the night more fun.
4. Pretending your homegirl is your ‘girlfriend’ to keep guys off is hot.
5. Hand holding makes me moist because I am a spinster who doesn’t get out
enough these days.

BONUS: Steeling the AA batteries out of the living room remote control for
my masterbational usage turns me on more.

Reflections From Last Night #3

The original plan was a quick dinner at Sea which turned into an impromtu karaoke session on Avenue A. Let us reflect upon that…

xoxo Parker Chase

Wednesday Night 5/20/2009

Location: Angels and Kings

Parker:

1. I am a born again karaoke whore.

2. Apparently, you can mix tequila with lime, Baileys, Kahlua, and Vodka without getting sick.

3. Peaches and Caramel will go platinum, as will T&T and the Sluts.

4. I much have watched the movie ‘Whats Love Got to Do With It’ one to many times as a child, because I had no idea I knew all the choreography to ‘Proud Mary’ (NO I DIDN’T SING IT, LoL).

5. If your friend tells you they are ‘going to the bathroom’ during karaoke, it means they are signing you up to sing a song you didn’t approve of.

Leah:

1. I need to learn how to say NO to free liquor.

2. I enjoy my ’slutty’ reputation, no matter how far fetched it may be.

3. Lots of things I do are not okay (ex. karaoke).

4. I love my hair.

5. Big wheels DO keep on turning.

Soleil:

1. Karaoke is scary yet fun.

2. Dinner with the girls is STILL never ‘just dinner’.

3. The hottest band ever is T&T and the Sluts.

4. We are still always the center of attention when we go out.

5. When in doubt  roll it out, because we are rolling down the river.

Blow Jays

Blow jays- a thing of my past, but a thing nonetheless. I think everyone should utilize the talents they possess and once upon a time the blow job was mine… Here are a few rules I falashe by along with an intimate excerpt from “my hetero days” diary.

First, the three most important things to remember:
1. Communication! (Verbal or sound)
2. Variety. No one likes plain old bopping Mc Betty
3. Stamina: Self explanatory.

A few more assorted tips:

-Balls are your friends.

- Giving head was never meant to look elegant don’t be afraid to get a little dirty, throw some elbow grease into the mix. Its ok if you hair gets wrecked and your makeup runs. It’s all in good sexy fun.

-Its all in the eyes. Drive them wild with the look of confidence. If you can’t bring yourself to stare up at your guys “Oh Em Gee” face, then you shouldn’t be on your knees to begin with.

*Remember you may be in a submissive position but baby you are holding All the power between your tonsils. Be proud.
Which brings me to my motto on oral sex “go to town on that shit” if you aren’t going to give it 110% ….as Madison’s mom would say, “someone else will!”

Last but not least
- Not a fan of swallowing your boys juicy seeds? Then try this one on for size..the phrase “cum ON me baby” will never disappoint. Allow your fellow to make an abstract painting. With your body as his canvas you can’t go wrong. His love for porn and your gag reflex will thank you.

An excerpt from my past: I remember looking at my chest pumping up and down, gasping for air and thinking this is art. White lines of pleasure  crossed over my breast, slowly starting to curve around my collar bone. Sticky but comforting, feeling overwhelmingly claimed by him. I laid back and smiled in accomplishment he crawled over with a towel and wiped me down.  He grinned , I asked why.  “Its my turn now” he said with a devilish look in his eyes… I didn’t argue.

Leah Lexington<3

Reflections From Last Night #1-2

One can learn  a lot from going out at night. Hence the introduction of this column to the masses. The rules are simple: When the girls and I go out, we will note 5 things that we discovered/saw/learned/etc. from the previous night.

xo Parker

Friday Night 5/8/09

Location: Fat Hippo (NYC)

Parker:

1. Url’s are the new digits.

2. Do not drink shots of jalepeno infused tequila no matter how cute the bartender is. Have Jager instead. It makes everyone happy.

3. Don’t use the same shitty pickup line on two friends sitting 5 feet away from eachother.

4. A hot bartender who knows what he’s doing is incredibly sexy. (Thank You Zeem!)

5. Although British accents make me all hot and flustered. I am beginning to enjoy Irish accents as well.

Soleil:

1. Spicy tequila is the devil…

2. When you are friends with the bartender, all they want to do is get you trashed.

3. I have bad friends

4. You’re always the winner when you argue with parking garage attendants.

5. Having  ‘a drink with the girls’ is code for ’stay out untill 6am’.

Leah:

1. Zeem at Fat Hippo is the best bartender ever.

2. Wearing a t-shirt that says “I put out” with the picture of a fire extinguisher is an awesome conversation piece.

3. Being gay makes me the perfect wing man to both sex’s.

4. Don’t wear wedges without ankle support when you have to walk 1000 miles from the 3 train to the F train.

5. My love for mac and cheese may very well exceed my love for sex.

Saturday Night 5/9/09

Location: Mamaroneck Ave. (White Plains)**

Leah:

1. I should have stayed home.

2. Affliction, Ed Hardy and Smet are not the only brands for men on the market.

3. Some places are just unnecessary.

4. Westchester nightlife is equivalent to Manhattans brunch.

5. I prefer men that look like they don’t shower enough as opposed to men who look like they came out of a plastic box.

Parker:

1. Although I live here I am NOT a Westchester girl by any means.  This fact is more obvious now than it has ever been.

2. Drunk boys trying to be sexy is worse than drunk girls trying to be sexy.

3. Encountered a creepy hair sniffer, who LITERALLY sniffed my hair.

4. The nightlife scene in White Plains consists of half a block and that hurts my heart.

5. I should have either a. Stayed home or b.  Went to Manhattan to party.

**Disclaimer: We don’t hate White Plains. We decided to give it a try and it really wasnt our scene. However many people love the nightlife there. We’re just giving our opinions.**