Reflections From Last Night #4

Leah and I went out to celebrate our bartending certification with wings, shots, and air of sexual tension. We decided to visit our favorite cheap spot on West 4th with some of our friends from bartending school.  Here’s what we figured out afterwards…

xoxo Parker Chase

Tuesday Night 6/2/09
Location: Down The Hatch

Parker:

1. To the guys…you can’t bring a wing woman out with you if she actually has feelings for you.
2. Yes, a shot of Jäger makes you happy, but any more shots of it afterwards just makes you incredibly horny.
3. Only in my world is “I’m a chef” a suitable pick up line.
4. Telling an annoying stranger who is trying to chat you up that your teacher (who is standing next to you) is your lover, seems to be a trusty cockblock AND a turn on to said annoying stranger.
5. If you do not turn off your phone before you go to bed, you will get a drunken call @ 5am from the gentleman you gave your number to.

BONUS: Is it a good night if all you want to do is go home and masturbate?

Leah:

1. If you feel the need to call someone out on his or her relationship bullshit, then do it!!
2. If your ex, girlfriend, friend, mom, sister, cousin, aunt, or baby’s mama thinks I am trustworthy…they are foolish.
3. I love having guy friends; they make the night more fun.
4. Pretending your homegirl is your ‘girlfriend’ to keep guys off is hot.
5. Hand holding makes me moist because I am a spinster who doesn’t get out
enough these days.

BONUS: Steeling the AA batteries out of the living room remote control for
my masterbational usage turns me on more.

The Art of the Meet and Greet: Female Seduction

If its one thing I can’t stand its a girl with corny pick up lines.
I felt that when I shed the 95% of my heterosexuality, lame lines and
gestures would become a thing of the past much like birth control and
condoms.
Even more frustrating than failed attempts at my interest is the lack
of attempts in general. To the girl who stands across the room thinking
up all the things she’ll never say out loud I suggest starting with a
smile and head nod. As for you bold broads who’ve caught a disease I
call “undeserved confidence”  you could take a lesson or two from
Quiet Quincy in the corner. Starting off with things like “I hate this DJ, don’t you just hate
this DJ?” chances are its not the DJ’s fault your “moves” are 1995 even
if the music is. Also a good chance you’ve insulted a friend of mine
hold my purse by the turntables. (On that note don’t tell me I’m so
much more attractive than the go-go dancer, you’re just desperate for
material, she’s probobly a friend of mine and now I know how rude and
judgmental you are)

*Always do the research and know who your prey is
and who they’re friends are before approaching*

Another major meet and great seduction faux pas (and this rings
true for both breeders and gays of all genders): Don’t buy your pretty
little obstacle a drink and proceed to follow your $8 investment around
the party all night long. Since when is pineapple and goose a wedding
engagement? If you make yourself seem too available we’ll wonder why
and if you ignore us we’ll think you’re an ass…I never said this was
simple. The key is to not be creepy; hair sniffing is not the new “how
are ya?”
So why is the cliché ” just be yourself” often unsuccessful? Not
everyone is smooth operating, Joe Cool 1st time around. However first
impressions really are everything SO here is some advice from personal
experience in both the gay and straight scene, enjoy.

Do- make friendly eye contact
Don’t- stare like an admiring fan, obsessively and for long periods of time.
Do- say hi and introduce yourself
Don’t- slate. This isn’t an audition or interview
Do- ask what your prey is drinking
Don’t- buy a drink you insist she must try an finish with you. Tell
her to enjoy and walk away, if she’s interested you’ll see her again
within the hour so leave the bar tab open
Do-make small talk with her friends, be witty.
Don’t- rant to her friends about how single you and how you couldn’t be
more over your ex.
If your prey is interested she will do her part in conjuring up
witty banter. Take a moment to interrupt her rambling with a compliment
preferably a facial one like ” you have very gorgeous eyes” or if
you’re feeling ballsy ” I’m mesmerized by your lips” be careful because you
may imply that you’d like a smooch, which only works if you KNOW
she’s into you.

Good luck and happy hunting!

Leah Lexington <3